Happy Mother's Day!

"Happy Mother's Day!" If I heard it once today, I heard it a hundred times. Except, this year it was different. I was the one being told to have a Happy Mother's Day. "Ummm, well, you see, I'm not exactly a mother". That was my first thought while being greeted at church this morning but in stead, I smiled and said thank you. I laughed out loud thinking to myself that was God's way of helping Tucker show appreciation and love to me since he doesn't speak "human" (Tucker is my only child and he has four legs complete with a tail). But it happened again. And again. Some were strangers and some were not. When my four year old niece said "Happy Mother's Day Peeps", my heart melted and I couldn't help but to smile. But the others... They didn't make me smile. I chose to. And God turned my fake smile into a real one. 

I woke up this morning to "Tucker snuggles" (my four legged fur baby). I was able to watch 2 of my nieces perform their 3 year old choir song at "big church". I walked into the service I normally attend and one of my gymnast was their helping her dad hand out bulletins. Her face lit up and I got the best hug ever! While leaving church, I saw another gymnast and I hugged both her and her mama because we genuinely love each other.

I've spent hours this weekend trying to write down my thoughts about this day and share my heart. The words would not come out the way I wanted them to. Now I know why. So here they are. Please only read with a gentle heart. Because this is mine being transparent. I know this test is meant for a testimony and the mess is a message. 

I've spent the weekend being thankful for mothers. But my heart has been with those who have lost their moms, mothers' who have lost children, and couples who are trying and want nothing more than to have a child. I know and love at least one person who is dealing with these situations and I'm heartbroken for all of them.

That heartbreak is also followed with my own despair. Most of you know my story of having endometriosis and were great prayer warriors while I had surgery, injections and the constant hormones I take to try to protect my "oven". I had grown to hate the number 35. 2 different states and 2 different doctors explained the importance of trying to conceive before that age with my "condition". One doctor looked me in the eyes and told me if I wanted to have a child I needed to try then. The other held my hands and prayed. He was honest, but he chose Christ over medicine. So did I. 

I turned 35 last month. A month before that, my body reminded me of my age and it hasn't cooperated since then. This week I will meet with the same doctor who prayed for me and we might both have to accept that our prayers were not answered the way I had hoped. That would be enough to devastate any woman, especially one who has dedicated more than half of her life working and serving children. 

I've shed many tears in silence about this. I'm crying as I type this (so please excuse the grammar errors). But my tears are different. I have no idea what the answer will be. I know the medical reasons and my present situation. I also know a God who counts the numbers of hairs on my head and has a plan for my life beyond what I can imagine. Some know his plan at a younger age, but that does not mean that I am less than others. Maybe I am chosen and strong enough to hold on. One day I will be thankful for this endurance. One day... 

Back to today.

That puppy dog of mine was once a foster dog. I can't imagine anyone not wanting him, but either way I don't think he could love me anymore! Being an aunt is a precious gift and I couldn't be more thankful for my nieces. I coached one of my nieces in her gymnastics preschool show Monday night and I watched 2 of them sing about Jesus today. And those 2 gymnasts of mine at church. Yeah, God reminded me how I'm able to love on them too! I've never given birth. I may never be able to. But, I have been able to "mother" many children and I am forever grateful! 

I have had no grief today. No sorrow and what I thought would be self pity. None! I have thanked every person who told me "Happy Mothers Day. It has been a wonderful "I love you like a mother would day"! Tonight I will rest peacefully counting my blessings! This week I may need reminders of that love. Jeremiah 29:11. For now, I will  rest comfortably in his love. I've had the best "Mothers Day" ever! 

"I need to read. I need to write. I read my Blog. And now l write."

Silly title for a Blog, I know... Let me explain.

When things are great, I write. When things are not so great, I write. A special prayer, a short poem, or even a funny story would be put on paper. When I started posting things on Facebook, I was encouraged to start a blog. I've been told I have a gift that I needed to share. I'm still not convinced that is true ,but writing has always been good therapy for me and much cheaper than a therapist. So a Blog seemed to be a good idea! I fell in love being able to share my heart! But Somewhere along the way the past several months, I stopped writing. Climbing to the mountain, I kept to myself. At the top of the mountain, I was silent. Falling face first first from the mountain top because of my mistakes, I had no words. Being pushed off the cliff from "wrong doers", I stayed silent. And now sitting in the valley, I realize I have lost my words. Until tonight. I opened my blog to see what what my heart needed to say. And then I read someone's blog. Some posts were published and others meant to stay private. I read them all. My heart melted and the tears wouldn't stop. The blog I was reading was MINE. God used ME to remind ME who I am and most importantly WHOSE (sp?) I am! The woman who loves unconditionally, is me. The woman who struggles with sin because she is a sinner like everyone else, is me! The woman who has fought through more than her "fair share of battles" is me! The woman who is blessed to make a difference every day is me! I'm sorry I let others "make me forget about me". God hasn't and he never will. I am cherished. I am fought for. I am here to win others to Christ. I am worthy enough to die for. SO ARE YOU!! Please don't let the trials of this life steal your journey! Don't detour because of self doubt! Mountain top, cliff, or valley...YOU are still able to glorify HIM! If you are going through another storm of life, please don't do what I did and forget about the rainbow! I will dance in the rain tomorrow no matter what, because I know HIS SON-shine is coming! 

A Trick Or Treat

Sunday mornings: A "treat" for sinners to come together to worship and praise God. Yes, I will be so blunt to call it a treat... Why? Because it is. I wake up every morning with Jesus. I get into my car several times a day with music praising his name. In random conversations throughout my week, he is mentioned several times, or even the topic. There is no "ME" without "HIM", and that includes "ME" failing "HIM" daily. But, Sunday mornings... There is just something different. Maybe it is the celebration of a congregation full of sinners who are forgiven. A new week to do better, make a difference, and multiply  HIS Kingdom. I heard a debate that Christians shouldn't go to church to be "fed". "Church" is everywhere these days: on the radio, TV, and internet. Stop "feeding" Christians and watch the church starve. But that is my opinion and another blog.  Back to my point... 

I get to church this morning. I am more excited than on most Sundays. I am blessed, I am stressed, and I have missed a few Sundays due to work,  heartbreak, and even selfishness. I am ready... Until, when I get there, And am told someone that showed up to do the exact same thing was faced with devastation. In my sinful mind, we go to church to worship and celebrate, even if we're celebrating with those who mourn with us. "Oh, God, please don't do this to them!" I went to grab my purse and Bible to leave. "I'm supposed to celebrate, worship, and praise now?" I can't!  And He said, "Yes, you are, and yes you can"! What better place to cry out and pray to God?! I stayed. I prayed. And more importantly, I praised. Because no matter my heartbreak, their heartbreak was worse. And what better place could I be other than a place full of sinners who long to be with God? What better place for God to remind me that he is in complete control? What better reminder do I need to remind those I love just how much he is in control?!?  

     I stayed. I prayed. I praised and celebrated just how Awesome my God was no matter what the circumstance was in my life or those I love! And I have no doubt that HE is in any less control than he was over 2,000 years ago when he sacrificed his son because of his love for me and you! Thank you God for loving , reminding me, and allowing me to worship you ALWAYS!!!

I will...

Tonight I will wake up from a dream that you are in. Your dirty fur left over from the brush I last brushed you with will be in my hand. If it isn't, I will panic until I find it. I will smell it and be reminded of your sweet stinky self. I will finally go back to sleep. When I wake up, I will listen for that sometimes ( ok, always) annoying bark at the wind when nothing is there. I will get my coffee and walk outside watching for the poop I always step in. But tomorrow, there will be no annoying bark waking me up, No poop to step in, and no stinky fur to brush. For tonight, I will miss the annoying bark, sniff the dirty fur ball, and purposely not scrape the poop from my shoes that I refuse to clean until I am ready to wear them. I wish I had one more day to be woken up from your bark, one more morning of stepping in your poop, and one more day to bathe you. I will love and miss you forever Casey BoBo Head!!

Dear Best Friend,

You've have loved me since day one. You loved me when I named you "Chloe" and didn't mind it taking someone else making me realize that you were a "him" and not a "her". You loved me through all the times of dressing you up and feeding you hamburger helper with a fork. You loved me when your puppy teeth fell out and the "tooth fairy" gave you the same gift twice. You loved me with moving you to different homes. You loved me through a marriage, and even more when the marriage was gone. You loved me when I made you a brother to kitty cat "Grady" and loved him as your own. Where ever he is, I know he misses his big brother to crawl on and cuddle with. You loved me when I moved away, and welcomed me when I came home. You've loved me when I was sad and happy, struggling and celebrating. You've loved my sweet baby nieces. No matter what, you have always loved me. You have loved me selflessly, and unconditionally. You are my best friend!! And now it's time for me to love you the same way. I will love you selflessly. I'm sorry I couldn't make this better like you always did for me. Thank you for being my best friend forever! I love you Casey Bobo Head. 

Tough week ahead! I've prayed that God would either heal or take my Casey. HE didn't answer the way I had hoped. He said neither. It's time for me to make the selfless sacrifice my BoBo always did for me. I'm so sorry Casey! Thank you for always loving and being my best friend no matter what!!

Every Trial Has A Purpose

I woke up this morning AND I was pumped, excited, and even a little anxious! Don't get me wrong- I love worshipping on Sunday Mornings. But today was different. My brother was going to share his testimony about how God has used my nieces to glorify his kingdom. Did I need to see my brother on stage speaking to hundreds, if not a thousand proving God's almighty power? No. I see it every time I'm with my precious miracle nieces. But, did I need to be reminded that every trial in this life serves a purpose?? YES!! And I had no idea that a testimony from my brother, one that I have been a part of and first hand experienced would remind and make me so aware of God's promises! 

     "Everyone is either in the middle of a trial, coming out of one, or about to go through one". If I am going to be completely honest, I am stuck right in the middle of one (at least I thought I was) right now, finally crawling out of another trial (Hooray), and after today, ready to dive face first on my knees to the next! It's coming. And I'm prepared! For those that have known me a while, you know I've experienced "my share of trials". Everyone who is reading this has, some just not as transparent as others. It took some time, but I have said for a while now that I am thankful for all of it! God has made me a new person, given me a heart for things my eyes never would have been opened to before, and has humbled me to the point of using my shame, guilt, and experiences to love on more of his "kids" than I ever would have before! I'm thankful for past trials. The ones I face everyday, not so much... 

     I knew today was going to be special. I thought because my brother being on stage sharing the amazing things God has done for my family, was going to be why. It was. But there was more... 

     I showed up late this morning (as usual) and before I was able to put my purse and bible down to sing and praise, one of my gymnast was standing beside me telling me she had saved me a seat. I hugged and thanked her while I explained my family came to hear my brother today, but next time I would love to sit with her. (Don't worry, Jesus smacked me in the head) It took less than a minute for me to realize how precious and special it was that my gymnast wanted to worship with ME and what an amazing opportunity that was! I looked around and finally found her! I spent the first part of worship right beside her singing and praising!

     I made my way back to my seat and listened to my brother share his and Abby's (my sister in law) story. I was sitting next to that faithful servant who has endured every struggle with grace and obedience. I looked around and saw my family who has been there through day one, praying, supporting, and always helping to carry the burdens of my loved ones. I cried. If that would have been a stranger on stage, I still would have cried. What an awesome testimony from someone who just so happened to be my brother!! Wow!! It was awesome!!! 

     And then, the icing on the cake: The band started the closing song, Finding Favour "Say Amen". A "past gym mom" (I coached her daughter 15 years ago) sent that song to me after reading a blog I wrote a few months ago. We both talked about how awesome it would be if my brother sang the song in church. That song has become my favorite, and this morning while the band was closing, they sang it! I saw that "gym mama"on the second row and I ran to her! I'm not one to be in the "front row", but I didn't care! I didn't walk. I didn't think. I ran. And when I did, her daughter, my past gymnast was there. We hugged, we sang, and tears were flowing. 

     Every trial does have a purpose. I've seen my share. I have never been through one alone, even if I thought I was at times. Today, I was reminded of my purpose, thankful for storms that have opened my eyes, and thankful for the unconditional love God has blessed me with! My heart is full, climbing to the mountaintop, stuck in the valley, and even when I fall off the cliff! I am blessed through it all!! 

           

Happy First Birthday in Heaven!

I don't know what time it is in Heaven, but it's midnight here... So, Happy Birthday!! I know you're busy "up there" having the best time ever, but I wish you could have seen the celebration tonight in your honor. I pulled into your driveway tonight, late, as usual ( we always had that in common), wearing blue and blasting your speaker in my jeep! Cars were everywhere! I almost lost it then. But, I didn't. I walked in around to the pool, that was covered with people sharing stories about you. So much laughter! It was great! Your friends were there and so was your family! Your dad obviously had been cooking all morning, day, and night. They had prepared a feast  in your honor! We sang Happy Birthday to you. Kylie and Brett blew out your candles,  and I've never wanted to scream "Roll Tide" so loud and proud in all my life!  If you ever doubted how loved you were, I wish you could have seen tonight! You loved everyone you met (including me)! Thank you for your hugs and "I love you's"! Your life and death have reached more people than you will ever know!! I can't wait for you to welcome me at those gates with that same hug and "I love you". Happy First Birthday in Heaven Austin! Roll Tide!!