Happy Mother's Day!

"Happy Mother's Day!" If I heard it once today, I heard it a hundred times. Except, this year it was different. I was the one being told to have a Happy Mother's Day. "Ummm, well, you see, I'm not exactly a mother". That was my first thought while being greeted at church this morning but in stead, I smiled and said thank you. I laughed out loud thinking to myself that was God's way of helping Tucker show appreciation and love to me since he doesn't speak "human" (Tucker is my only child and he has four legs complete with a tail). But it happened again. And again. Some were strangers and some were not. When my four year old niece said "Happy Mother's Day Peeps", my heart melted and I couldn't help but to smile. But the others... They didn't make me smile. I chose to. And God turned my fake smile into a real one. 

I woke up this morning to "Tucker snuggles" (my four legged fur baby). I was able to watch 2 of my nieces perform their 3 year old choir song at "big church". I walked into the service I normally attend and one of my gymnast was their helping her dad hand out bulletins. Her face lit up and I got the best hug ever! While leaving church, I saw another gymnast and I hugged both her and her mama because we genuinely love each other.

I've spent hours this weekend trying to write down my thoughts about this day and share my heart. The words would not come out the way I wanted them to. Now I know why. So here they are. Please only read with a gentle heart. Because this is mine being transparent. I know this test is meant for a testimony and the mess is a message. 

I've spent the weekend being thankful for mothers. But my heart has been with those who have lost their moms, mothers' who have lost children, and couples who are trying and want nothing more than to have a child. I know and love at least one person who is dealing with these situations and I'm heartbroken for all of them.

That heartbreak is also followed with my own despair. Most of you know my story of having endometriosis and were great prayer warriors while I had surgery, injections and the constant hormones I take to try to protect my "oven". I had grown to hate the number 35. 2 different states and 2 different doctors explained the importance of trying to conceive before that age with my "condition". One doctor looked me in the eyes and told me if I wanted to have a child I needed to try then. The other held my hands and prayed. He was honest, but he chose Christ over medicine. So did I. 

I turned 35 last month. A month before that, my body reminded me of my age and it hasn't cooperated since then. This week I will meet with the same doctor who prayed for me and we might both have to accept that our prayers were not answered the way I had hoped. That would be enough to devastate any woman, especially one who has dedicated more than half of her life working and serving children. 

I've shed many tears in silence about this. I'm crying as I type this (so please excuse the grammar errors). But my tears are different. I have no idea what the answer will be. I know the medical reasons and my present situation. I also know a God who counts the numbers of hairs on my head and has a plan for my life beyond what I can imagine. Some know his plan at a younger age, but that does not mean that I am less than others. Maybe I am chosen and strong enough to hold on. One day I will be thankful for this endurance. One day... 

Back to today.

That puppy dog of mine was once a foster dog. I can't imagine anyone not wanting him, but either way I don't think he could love me anymore! Being an aunt is a precious gift and I couldn't be more thankful for my nieces. I coached one of my nieces in her gymnastics preschool show Monday night and I watched 2 of them sing about Jesus today. And those 2 gymnasts of mine at church. Yeah, God reminded me how I'm able to love on them too! I've never given birth. I may never be able to. But, I have been able to "mother" many children and I am forever grateful! 

I have had no grief today. No sorrow and what I thought would be self pity. None! I have thanked every person who told me "Happy Mothers Day. It has been a wonderful "I love you like a mother would day"! Tonight I will rest peacefully counting my blessings! This week I may need reminders of that love. Jeremiah 29:11. For now, I will  rest comfortably in his love. I've had the best "Mothers Day" ever! 

"I need to read. I need to write. I read my Blog. And now l write."

Silly title for a Blog, I know... Let me explain.

When things are great, I write. When things are not so great, I write. A special prayer, a short poem, or even a funny story would be put on paper. When I started posting things on Facebook, I was encouraged to start a blog. I've been told I have a gift that I needed to share. I'm still not convinced that is true ,but writing has always been good therapy for me and much cheaper than a therapist. So a Blog seemed to be a good idea! I fell in love being able to share my heart! But Somewhere along the way the past several months, I stopped writing. Climbing to the mountain, I kept to myself. At the top of the mountain, I was silent. Falling face first first from the mountain top because of my mistakes, I had no words. Being pushed off the cliff from "wrong doers", I stayed silent. And now sitting in the valley, I realize I have lost my words. Until tonight. I opened my blog to see what what my heart needed to say. And then I read someone's blog. Some posts were published and others meant to stay private. I read them all. My heart melted and the tears wouldn't stop. The blog I was reading was MINE. God used ME to remind ME who I am and most importantly WHOSE (sp?) I am! The woman who loves unconditionally, is me. The woman who struggles with sin because she is a sinner like everyone else, is me! The woman who has fought through more than her "fair share of battles" is me! The woman who is blessed to make a difference every day is me! I'm sorry I let others "make me forget about me". God hasn't and he never will. I am cherished. I am fought for. I am here to win others to Christ. I am worthy enough to die for. SO ARE YOU!! Please don't let the trials of this life steal your journey! Don't detour because of self doubt! Mountain top, cliff, or valley...YOU are still able to glorify HIM! If you are going through another storm of life, please don't do what I did and forget about the rainbow! I will dance in the rain tomorrow no matter what, because I know HIS SON-shine is coming!